The Power of sacred face-to-face conversation
by the Rt. Rev. Thomas Clark Ely, Bishop of Vermont
Mountain Echo
September 2007

The television sitcom Home Improvement, which aired during the 1990’s, featured an interesting character named Wilson. Wilson, played by actor Earl Hindman, was the next-door neighbor of Tim Taylor, portrayed by the comedian Tim Allen. Wilson was known for offering good advice and wisdom to Tim in conversations across the tall fence that divided their two yards. The clever gimmick that helped define Wilson’s character is that neither Tim nor the audience ever saw his full face, except in the last episode during the final bows. The conversations between Tim and Wilson were always interesting and often profound, even if Tim often managed to misquote the advice Wilson offered.

The gimmick of never letting Wilson’s full face be shown was indeed quite clever, but it also spoke to me in a sad way about how much is lost when our conversations with one another are limited by fences and by not talking to one another face to face.

Professor Albert Mehrabian, a pioneer in the field of communications theory since the 1960’s established this classic statistic for the effectiveness of spoken communications:
• 7% of meaning is in the words that are spoken.
• 38% of meaning is paralinguistic (the way that the words are said).
• 55% of meaning is in facial expression.
While it would be a mistake to apply simplistically these percentages to every act of communication, the research is nonetheless illustrative of the reality that much of the meaning in our communication with one another is dependent upon factors other than the actual words. Just think about how often in your own experience email communication (even with the insertion of smiley faces) proved less than satisfactory.

I started thinking about all this as I reflected on the significant face-to-face conversations I have been part of this summer with respect to the challenging issues in the Episcopal Church and the Anglican Communion around human sexuality, authority, polity, institutional structures and power. Communication plays such a pivotal role in the current controversies, and I worry that we are becoming more and more like Wilson and Tim in our discourse—talking over the fence to one another rather than face to face. Thankfully, that was not the case for me this summer.

One of the experiences of face-to-face communication for me this summer was a remarkable opportunity to be part of a gathering of nearly 30 bishops from dioceses in the United States and nearly 40 bishops from dioceses in Africa. The week-long consultation—Walking to Emmaus—was sponsored by Trinity Church, New York, and held in El Escorial, Spain. The topic that brought us together was mission, and one of the best parts for me was the opportunity to be with Bishops Nathaniel Garang and Ezekiel Diing from the Diocese of Bor, in Southern Sudan, with whom I spent time during my recent sabbatical. One key to the success of the consultation was the significant amount of time devoted to face-to-face conversation, Bible study and prayer. While mission was the gathering theme, the current issues within the Anglican Communion were not ignored.

One of the presenters from the Province of West Africa, reflecting on the Emmaus story, noted that until those disciples walked and talked with the Risen Christ on the road and broke bread together they did not have the whole picture with regard to the events of those past few days in Jerusalem: “They had all the information, but not the whole picture.” This speaker then spoke directly to the US bishops and said, “We love you and we believe you love us and we want to be together in mission.” No fence between us, no partial face to try and interpret, rather a genuine, face-to-face encounter of profound significance. [For “video postcrds” from the conference, click here.]

The other experience I had of sacred face-to-face conversation this summer came through the six Communion Matters conversations held throughout our diocese. Close to 225 people from over 30 congregations in the diocese took part in one of these conversations. The purpose was to discuss the various issues before the Episcopal Church and the Anglican Communion in advance of the September meeting of the House of Bishops, where we will welcome Archbishop Rowan Williams for our first face-to-face conversation since he became the Archbishop of Canterbury.

The Communion Matters conversations here in Vermont were marked by a spirit of respectful listening and sharing of information, ideas, concerns, hopes and fears. I know that we did not hear from all the voices in Vermont on the topics we discussed; however, there was a wide range of opinion and conviction expressed in the various conversations, and several individuals who felt uncomfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings in the large group made a point of speaking to me one on one. Still others, mindful that these conversations were taking place, shared their thoughts and feelings with me by letter, e-mail, or by phone.

I am grateful for all the many voices and faces who shared in these conversations. What I take away from them and what I take with me to New Orleans is the clear desire of the members of our diocese to remain as part of the Anglican Communion family, while at the same time continuing to welcome, celebrate and cherish the presence and ministry of all members of our diocese—our gay and lesbian members as well as our members who disagree with many of the recent actions of the General Convention. I heard much in these conversations about justice, acceptance, tolerance, respect, living with tension, waiting in the moment, not rushing to judgment, betrayal, fear, “scapegoating,” unity, diversity, certainty, ambiguity, hope and confidence in God. At the end of this round of conversations, we had not solved the problems with which we are struggling, but maybe—just maybe—like those disciples on the road to Emmaus we now see the whole picture a little more clearly.

Near the end of the last night of conversation in Wilmington, one person commented, “The greatest and saddest thing is the end of talking.” In that familiar 13th chapter of First Corinthians, Saint Paul points to agapé, divine love, as the greatest spiritual gift and calls us to its embrace. He writes also about the difference between our partial view of the fullness of God and the reign of God that comes from our limited perspective and the fuller, clearer understanding that awaits us in the fullness of God’s economy and time. I think that staying in conversation, in communion with one another, not across fences with partial views of one another but face-to-face whenever we can, is the way toward that deeper and divine revelation.

“We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love” [I Corinthians 13:12-13, from The Message].

Faithfully,
+ Thomas

Read a September 14, 2007, article from Episcopal News Service that quotes Bishop Ely's column: One third of dioceses respond to Bishops' communiqué study document.